I just finished writing an essay for my English class, and I wrote about my entire experience that began my love affair with writing. It all began with the first blog I created. As I was writing this essay about how much blogging helped me through hard times, it just hit me that blogging is what I need to get back into the habit of doing. I realized while writing this essay that it truly was such a medicine for me when I had no where else to turn. Which is exactly how I feel right now in my life. So, I'm back. 

I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. I felt like I've been through a lot. Definitely not as much as I know some people have, so many people's stories I can't even compare. But I've had my fair share of loved ones deaths and a lot of family troubles. 
But nothing prepared me for this.
It makes me feel pathetic to say this is the hardest thing I've ever been through. But I'm not going to lie, it truly is. I didn't know it was possible to feel so much physical and emotional pain all at once. I am truly surprised at times that I am even able to get out of bed in the morning. I do such a good job at convincing people that I've moved on, that I'm okay. And it's not like I'm not moving on. I am. Time is slowly healing my wounds. So I'm not lying when I say I truly am improving every single day, and slowly the pain is getting lessened. 
But what kills me the most is how I can get to a point where I finally feel okay, and then one little thing will happen and I'll feel just like I did the night we broke it off. 
For example, last night. I had a simple dream about him. I had a dream that he was back in my life, and although we we not in a relationship, we were actually friends. And it was absolutely perfect. Then all at once he looked over at me and yelled at me to get out of his life, and about how pathetic I was that I was trying to act like everything was okay. I woke up in a panic that he was upset at me. Then it all comes flooding back. I sat on the couch eating my breakfast and didn't know I was going to be able to go to school. But then somehow, I do. 
Nighttimes and morning are the worst. Night is the worst, because it is the time when I am usually alone. The time when I was used to him always being there. And mornings, right when I wake up, kill me every single day. Because there is always that half of a second where I feel like things are okay, and then I remember. 
The absolute most frustrating thing is how much I miss him. And even worse, he doesn't believe that I do. He believes that I have simply moved on and that he never even crosses my mind. If only he knew how much pain I experience, every single day. No matter how much I try to focus on the bad memories, to try to get my anger to overcome the pain, I can't shake the feeling of just MISSING him like crazy. I spent a year of my life knowing almost nothing but his love. Without it is like being born again to the world, where I don't have anyone by my side loving me and supporting me every step of the way. Not to be dramatic, (haha) obviously I have many people who love me in my life. I've been so blessed to have all the people I have who completely support me through this time in my life. And I love them all so much.
But without his love there, it's just different. 
I miss him. Yet, I don't want him back.
These are the feelings I don't know how to handle. 
I feel more depressed and alone than ever before, but I know that this is where we are supposed to be at in our lives. We made each other happy for a long time. But things happen, people change, and we were no longer beneficial for each other. And he needed to focus on more important things than just me. So I know that his is for the better. 
And I still have faith that one day I'll be able to hear his voice again. 
Because I've forgotten it. I can't even hear is voice anymore.
And it's the hardest thing I've ever had to face.
That's all for now, I'll be back soon.
xoxoxoxoxo

Just spent a good chunk of my Sunday reading through this old blog of mine. Oh and, hello blogger. It's good to be back. Just sitting on my bed, having a simple Sunday. Reading blogs, reading scriptures, writing in my journal. The exact sort of day I've needed. Then I got caught reading through this blog. You know, I used to be kind of cool! Well, I was a little weird. But mostly just immature. Not having experienced all the things I've experienced now. But if I may so so myself, I'm not that terrible at writing! My writing voice sounds like a child, though. And still does. But why waste my time trying to change that.

It's so funny reading my posts from two years ago and how I'm so different but also, so much the same. Still trying to find my motivation in life. Still trying to figure out exactly who I want to be. 2 years later, I'm still so worried about myself, my goals and accomplishments. I think the lesson learned from that is I need to just not worry about my future so much. Live in the moment. I can't just sit here and spent my life hoping, and wishing for the better day to come. My day is now. Life brings a lot of new experiences, ups and downs, but through it all and after everything, I'm still the same girl I'll always be. Just older. 

It feels so refreshing to blog again. I may just start to make this a thing I will always do now. Although I used to be really cool and post pictures and quotes and what not. These days I just feel like writing, not having to add things to make my blog pretty. After all, I don't think anyone reads this anyone. And I mean anyone. And by that I mean I think I am honestly speaking to myself right now. But that is just fine, that is exactly what I need! I just need to get my thoughts and feelings out again, in a different place other than my journal where it all feels so hidden. Don't want to make this too long, and I have nothing profound to say, but life is something, isn't it? I'm so grateful for everything I have. I'm so grateful to have the amazing people who care for me so much. And I'm so grateful to have the one man in my life who truthfully is my everything right now. Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed, because being who I am, in order to truthfully feel like I'm living my life to the fullest, I've got to take time to myself every now and then. I think I just get to overwhelmed with people all around me expecting me to be happy. Overwhelmed with the whole idea of having to be doing something all the time. Just reading my old posts, I miss those days last summer where I would just waste time by myself. Go to a book store. Watch a movie. Waste time on the computer. But those days are in my past, I can't do that all the time anymore. I have things to do, places to go, people to see. College to figure out. Apartments to decorate. Jobs to find. Money to earn. Life just happens all too fast. And that is probably the biggest cliche out there,  but the most true one I have found. Life passes you by. And I've just truly got to learn to make the most of it. I have a little note I made in my phone, where whenever I see a quote, or hear a quote from someone that inspires me, I write it down. Found this the other day, that I am sure is a quote from an apostle, that truly made me want to get up and start living my life.

"There is nothing wrong with righteous yearnings- we hope and seek after things that are "virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy." The problem comes when we put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event-our golden ticket-to appear."

And THAT my friends, is doctrine. 

It's good to be back. 

You know that feeling when you wish time would stand still because everything is completely perfect? Yeah, that's me right now. And that's all I have to say because anything else would sound too cheesy or superficial.

Also, I went to the salt flats last week to take some of my sisters bridals and I'd like to think that some of them turned out pretty decent. The salt flats are stunning. It twas a fun time.

Blue Lemon

I was dreading going to work today, and a miracle happened and they let us go home early! It was an amazing thing. I really actually don't mind my job, it's really quite perfect in every way, but man they have been working us so much. I have had a full time job for the past two weeks! So it was nice today to catch a little break. I came home and knew exactly what I wanted to do: go to the Blue Lemon for lunch. I have been DYING to go try it out and figured today should be the day! And oh my goodness I was not let down.

It's just such a cute little place with fantastic organic food, and the best Butternut Squash soup I have EVER had. Oh, and cucumber water! I don't know what could be better.

Happy Birthday, Jackson Miller

All of us talk about how you inspire us everyday, and it's true. You were the most brilliant kid, and I know that if you were with us today, at 19, you would be an amazing young man. Whenever I feel like I am struggling in my life I look at what you went through, and the strength you had, and suddenly my life seems like a breeze. You affected so many of us and on this day I know there are many thinking about you and your example to all of us. I hope that wherever you are you can feel that love from all of us down here. Here's to you Jaxx, Happy Birthday.

I can see clearly now

I think I may have done it. After all of those depressing blog posts and journal entries of "When will I finally be motivated enough to change my life?!" I think I am finally getting there. I can feel things happening. I just feel like a whole new person with an entirely new look on things. I feel motivated again to do all those little things I push out of my life because I don't think I have time for. Like writing! I used to write my pathetic little poems or what not almost every night. But I haven't for a long long time. I just want to get back to my artistic side, if it even exists. And I finally QUIT MY JOB!! It is a fantastic feeling. But an even better feeling is being able to quit but knowing I am about to begin a whole new adventure with my new job. I actually left on a good note so I just feel so fantastic about it. I have an entire week with no job hunting, and no work! I don't even know what to do. All I know is I must do something because I have got to take advantage of this. I just feel as if someone has pushed my refresh button and I feel an entire new wave of energy. Maybe it's the yoga I have been doing, or maybe I'm crazy. But it's happening.

"Energy and persistance conquer all things"
-Benjamin Franklin