I feel so badly like blogging right now, but I don't even know how to put my feelings into words. This first of week of school has been...well it's been bad. I know, I know I'm such a complainer but it just really hasn't been a good week. I mean there have been good moments, but wow school feels like it's been the worst it's ever been for me this week. And sadly I don't see any light in the distance. For some reason the beginning of school always put me in this terrible mood. Just like last year. I just feel friendships that I thought were once there already beginning to fade. My problem is I can never just live in the now. I'm always wishing I was somewhere else. Always dwelling on the past or dreading the future. CARPE DIEM. That's exactly what I need to teach myself.
I feel like there is two sides to me lately.
One side, very anti social. Loves being alone. Would rather sit at home and just read all day. Doesn't need many friends, can survive on my own. I can achieve my goals.
And then there's the other side.
Aching for friends. Aching to be a need for someone. Please just someone, anyone ask me to hang out? Even a simple "How was your day?" to show that you care? Trying my very best to be as friendly as I can to people and not be a nuissance. Lately, this seems like the bigger part of me.
Which is stupid. I can deal, even enjoy being alone. I think it's just seeing all those people around me at school who look like they just have so many friends and so many people who actually care. And I'm not saying I'm totally and utterly friendless. I know that I'll always at least have one good friend. Even if the other two go away. But when I do hang around other people, I feel just like an annoying little follower. I'm always the one who the person knows just because I'm friends of a friend. Like they know me name. And I stand there. And mingle. But they don't care about me. Don't have the slightest idea who I am.
Oh and what about those few people who trick me into thinking we're actually GOOD friends?
That's the worst. People who I became even closer to this summer that tricked me into thinking we might stay friends. But once again school starts, and nope. Nothing. I just feel like it's almost an embarrasment to be seen with me.
Well then. Good thing I'm an actress so I have something to blame all these dramatics on right? Haha honestly, I probably dramatize everything. But in my mind, that's how it is.
Phew. My life is a mess.
But don't get me wrong.
It's also good. I'm so blessed, I don't even know what I have.
I thank the Lord every single day for everything I have because even just living is such a blessing.
Wow. You never can predict what's gonna come out of my mouth. Alright. Well. Nuff said, yeah?