I just finished writing an essay for my English class, and I wrote about my entire experience that began my love affair with writing. It all began with the first blog I created. As I was writing this essay about how much blogging helped me through hard times, it just hit me that blogging is what I need to get back into the habit of doing. I realized while writing this essay that it truly was such a medicine for me when I had no where else to turn. Which is exactly how I feel right now in my life. So, I'm back. 

I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. I felt like I've been through a lot. Definitely not as much as I know some people have, so many people's stories I can't even compare. But I've had my fair share of loved ones deaths and a lot of family troubles. 
But nothing prepared me for this.
It makes me feel pathetic to say this is the hardest thing I've ever been through. But I'm not going to lie, it truly is. I didn't know it was possible to feel so much physical and emotional pain all at once. I am truly surprised at times that I am even able to get out of bed in the morning. I do such a good job at convincing people that I've moved on, that I'm okay. And it's not like I'm not moving on. I am. Time is slowly healing my wounds. So I'm not lying when I say I truly am improving every single day, and slowly the pain is getting lessened. 
But what kills me the most is how I can get to a point where I finally feel okay, and then one little thing will happen and I'll feel just like I did the night we broke it off. 
For example, last night. I had a simple dream about him. I had a dream that he was back in my life, and although we we not in a relationship, we were actually friends. And it was absolutely perfect. Then all at once he looked over at me and yelled at me to get out of his life, and about how pathetic I was that I was trying to act like everything was okay. I woke up in a panic that he was upset at me. Then it all comes flooding back. I sat on the couch eating my breakfast and didn't know I was going to be able to go to school. But then somehow, I do. 
Nighttimes and morning are the worst. Night is the worst, because it is the time when I am usually alone. The time when I was used to him always being there. And mornings, right when I wake up, kill me every single day. Because there is always that half of a second where I feel like things are okay, and then I remember. 
The absolute most frustrating thing is how much I miss him. And even worse, he doesn't believe that I do. He believes that I have simply moved on and that he never even crosses my mind. If only he knew how much pain I experience, every single day. No matter how much I try to focus on the bad memories, to try to get my anger to overcome the pain, I can't shake the feeling of just MISSING him like crazy. I spent a year of my life knowing almost nothing but his love. Without it is like being born again to the world, where I don't have anyone by my side loving me and supporting me every step of the way. Not to be dramatic, (haha) obviously I have many people who love me in my life. I've been so blessed to have all the people I have who completely support me through this time in my life. And I love them all so much.
But without his love there, it's just different. 
I miss him. Yet, I don't want him back.
These are the feelings I don't know how to handle. 
I feel more depressed and alone than ever before, but I know that this is where we are supposed to be at in our lives. We made each other happy for a long time. But things happen, people change, and we were no longer beneficial for each other. And he needed to focus on more important things than just me. So I know that his is for the better. 
And I still have faith that one day I'll be able to hear his voice again. 
Because I've forgotten it. I can't even hear is voice anymore.
And it's the hardest thing I've ever had to face.
That's all for now, I'll be back soon.
xoxoxoxoxo